Me in a Shell

I, the person who wants to be alone for a lifetime, don’t think that I will be a successful person in my life as the standards set by the society. And, to me the success of a person is his freedom and the ability to do what ever he likes, good or bad. And I believe that anything that makes difficulty to another human being is bad, and the rest is good. What ever the law, society & customs may say about it. I stick to that thought.
So, I thought of NOT making a person to live for me or me to be living for her. Actually, when I went just beneath the covers and masks of some persons, I had found most of them are just opposite they seems to be. I had seen educated people becoming the most uncivilized. Multi millionaires quarrelling like beggars for just small amounts that they can throw away. Finding such a truth (which I think is true to me till now) I had stopping dreaming of being big. I want only just to be happy. And I am sure that happiness will come to me, if I am not dreaming about big things and always sweating my nose. I had learned that Lord Buddha had said it. I know, that is the very truth of LIFE. I like to be cool and is ready to face anything which comes against me. Because, as I am a small person, the problems coming to me too will be small and I can handle it easily. So I am happy and peaceful all time. Great isn’t it?
And, about relationships. Yes, I had, as everybody, parents and siblings. I love and respect them to the very end I can. But not more or less. Also I had friends. Not much. Just to count on my fingers. I don’t say they are very apt for me. I had not asked them to be like me, or I want to be like them. Actually, our friendship is a strange one. We just share our company each other, just to walk through the country roads of our village talking about the uncertainties of life. If we are more than two, I just shrink to my own shell. Actually we are a great company without any commitments. But we know each other very well. That, if I need them they are there, but I wont ask, or there will not be a need of asking. And that too apply for their needs. I should think that I am a lucky person to get such a company. And they are not as introvert as me. They had a lot more social relations, friendships and gatherings. And when I lack them, I know to be happy alone with my own activities.
Yes, I had had girl friends and lovers too. My first love, which I got at the age of 15 after 3 years of one way love stayed 7 more years. I was forced to ask her to act according her parents will, when I found it was difficult to be a successful person before the society. After a lot persuasion, she obeyed (the first and only thing which she disobeyed me in that time span) to do her parents decision. She got married, and is happy with two boys.
Then, there was girls who took seriously the affair and because of one or other reason said me goodbye, and also some spend their time. But I am not at all down of such happenings. I know, life is like that. And I love my Life. Because of these much experiences good and bad, I am able to determine the good and bad. But to my horror, the world is BAD. Each and every inch; in one way or other. I am sure, I am not a person meant to live in this world. I am an unsuitable person here.
Because I had born here, and had lived up to these 30 years in this world, I have to live the rest too. I love the nature, the birds, animals, forests, hills, lakes, sea, music, architecture, etc in this earth, except the people, who doesn’t like each other or loves for there benefits and pretends everything, even the love to their own children. But I had also seen somebody who are there not even living for themselves, who had lost everything they had made for their loved ones and thrown away afterwards. So, I should live till I am not able to move on my own, or till I am fit to be on my own. Then, I had decided the rest… I will close this chapter for ever.
My thought about a partner is a very mad one. I don’t believe in the traditional way of marriages of any religion. What is there in the ceremony, to do in a marriage? If there was anything positive, then there should be no Family Courts in our Country. So I think it is a meaningless thing, but it is a good opportunity to people to show there wealth, power and influences in society. What do the poor people do to cope with these trends in the society. They don’t think about it, and tries to run along and gets down, totally used up, without any good to anybody.
About 4 years back, I got an idea of a partner – another mad idea. When I think of my partner I hope she should be the very next part of me. As they say, the completeness of a male is in his female and vice versa. She should be like a dearest friend to whom I can share anything in this world – my thoughts, feelings, emotions and everything. I owe to show the bare me to her. Physically, Mentally and Emotionally. To make her feel and know, what I will think or act in the very next second in a specific situation. But I was not able to find a person like that till now. Also I was expecting her to be the only person to me, and I to her. But in this world is there any person like that? So, I know it is not going to happen. Should I search in the other side of the marriage among the ladies who lost there husbands in the race of life. I am not sure. But sometimes I think I need a partner, to share me. Not with the band or string of marriage, but with the string of believeness, understandness and faith. I am sure it is not going to happen anyway. So, I will be alone.
I am a person who loves to travel. I love photography too. Once in my life, I had thought to become a photo journalist. But, at that time, I was not in a mood to attend the long lecture classes in the college. So I dropped that idea. Then, thought of being a freelance photographer. Actually the job that I got, when I came out of the PGDCA Course from LBS, Tvm. nailed my ambitions. I was not able to travel as I like because of the job, but it gave me daily bread from a very low age of about 22. And I was satisfied with that small salary. Now I know that this is not a lucky age for a person to stand on his foot; but at that time, I was happy about it and even now for some extent. But when I got a chance, I went on to view the nature, and I had clicked a lot of pictures too, which, when I see now, ignites the memories of that journeys. They are the most treasured assets of my life.
Thus, I didn’t make a professional photographer. But the most dreaded period of my life was yet to come. For my good or bad (I am not sure about it until now) I got the job in the Kerala Police. As I said, I give much importance to my freedom, I was put in to the very opposite type of a job. In this job you are not allowed to leave your state without prior permission. Also, you can be called back anytime even if you are in leave. And leaves are scarce as people will not stop making problems. You will not be sure where you will be in the special days like Onam, X-mas, Ramzan and all. The very uncertinity of a life is here every hour and every second. It had affected my journeys and actually my peace of mind.
But, as it is heard, ‘every rise has a fall’. This job had taken my interests, my time and my dynamism, but had provided me with a confidence, that, I will get my salary all months with out delay. Also even if I am bedridden by an accident or decease; for 3 months I will be provided my salary. So there is some pain and some gain. One more real truth of the world, which, I had understood thoroughly.
Now, I am in the Commando Wing of the Kerala Police. We were chosen to train at National Security Guards Training Centre at Manesar in Haryana for three months. And of course with our willingness only. I have to work in this Wing for at least three years. There are monthly and yearly physical and fitness tests and other tests in firing, driving, swimming etc.
To continue my life like this, I thought I need a shelter. I said that to my Papa a year back, and he said that is a good idea. I had not even saved a single penny for me till that time. I went to the bank for enquiring about a house loan. They said, the land should be in my name and a dozen other documents needed. When I said that to Papa, he registered some land in my name wholeheartedly. I got a loan, and had done a Skelton of my house. And Normally, when the plan and idea of my house was also mine, it is an Abnormal house. But I am sure, when it is finished, it will be the very apt one for me to live.
Certain happenings in my life had changed me or affected me a lot, some a bit and mostly, nothing. Something had taken out my abilities, and some had shown my disabilities. I like to tell some of that too.
Will continue later, if I can. Let be there an air of uncertainty….